stone savage

If you’ve ever watched Star Trek (old or newer versions) you are probably familiar with the phrase “there’s an anomaly within the space-time continuum". If you’ve ever ridden in an elevator, you know the origin of these anomalies.

For some reason, and if any scientists are reading this article please look into this, when people step onto an elevator they lose the ability to reason. All rational thought gets left on the previous floor the moment the elevator doors close.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me give you a better picture about what I’m referencing.

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Most people are resigned to the fact that “some things in life are certain.” One of these things is that the fastest way to find your way out of someplace where you are lost is to pull out a deck of playing cards and attempt a game of solitaire. Inevitably someone will step forward to advise you on where to place your next card. In this same way, I find a certain inevitability when it comes to riding in an elevator car.

When I step into an elevator and find another person(s) present, I generally smile and/or nod politely at them as I turn to press the button for the floor where I plan to exit. I generally notice what other buttons have already been pressed - most people, however, do not. They press buttons that are already, quite clearly, selected… maybe they know something I don’t… or maybe their neurons have temporarily lost the ability to fire.

You see, there are two types of people in this world: those who wish to commit violence, and those against whom those wishes reside. When it comes to riding in an elevator, I’m in the first group.

Aside from the Already-Selected-button-pushers, there is the Higher-Floor-Syndrome to consider.

Don’t know what I mean? Allow me to explain:

When I step onto an elevator and press the button for the floor where I wish to exit, it is - with rare exception - inevitable that another able-bodied person(s) will board the same car with me and proceed to push a button for a higher floor than the one I’ve already chosen. These people will also immediately proceed to stand in front of the doors which prompts me to grumble “excuse me” during my creative exit-maneuvering process.

I know these people saw me when they boarded - they smiled and nodded at me while we waited for the car to initially arrive. I know they knew I was leaving the elevator before they planned to - unless they thought that the button they didn’t push was done by the magical “no one” and “nobody” from their childhoods. Yet they stand in front of the doors knowing someone is going to need to exit before they plan on exiting.

The absurdity of the situation is only compounded by their genuine surprise as they move to the side during my exit attempt. Perhaps you have experienced this situation? Maybe you are, like I apparently am, immune to the neuro-surpressive capability of an elevator in motion? Or… perhaps you are one of the masses suffering from this unfortunate disorder.

There is help available for you. It’s called stairs. The cure to your problem is to climb your way to your floor via the stairwell for a solid week. With each step you take, utter the words “I will remember to move out of the way.” By week’s end you will have the Higher-Floor-Syndrome under control… and you will be much less likely to suffer from the condition known as SPAEC (Socked-By-Angry-Elevator-Companions).

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