stone savage

“…when a guy’s really into you, he’s coming upstairs.” - Berger, from HBO’s Sex in the City

Does anyone actually want a serious relationship with someone who is not all that into us? I mean, honestly, when is the last time you heard someone ask for that in their boyfriend? I can tell you how often I’ve heard it - never. So shouldn’t we only be dating the ones who actually are interested? The answer is yes - unless we’re talking about Meaningless-Sex-Guy and that’s a whole different article. So, I think the first order of business is to address how it you actually know if a guy is into you. Allow me to share my thoughts…

You know because he makes it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt. You know because he asked you out almost immediately after meeting you. You know because he made the first move before it ever crossed your mind that you might want him to. You know because you don’t have to ask your girlfriends if they think he really “likes you". You know because your phone doesn’t stop ringing. But the ultimate tell-tale sign that a guy is off the market because he’s really into you? He ditches his buddies to be with you.

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That’s right ladies, when a guy starts ditching his buddies to spend time with you - and rarely spends time with his buddies without you there at his side - then you know he’s hooked. If he’s going away without asking you to join him for a night out with the boys more than twice a month, or he’s not asking you to come with him when he’s taking weekend trips with his buddies to go camping or to a sporting event; or if he stands you up because one of his friends “needed” him to be there when there were others who could have sufficed - you’re with a guy who’s just not that into you.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you - don’t get me wrong. But it does mean he’s not all that into you. Is that really what you want? Probably not. So what’s a girl to do? The first thing you do is to acknowledge it. Denying reality does not change it. Accept what it is and then consider your options because the one thing you’re not going to do is to change his feelings. It won’t happen.

Do you really want to spin your wheels on a guy who you’re going to have to chase, coax, or convince to want to be with you? Is that really the relationship you dreamt of from the time you were a little girl? Of course it isn’t! So stop trying. Knowing where you stand with a guy is empowering. Use it to your advantage. Stay with your guy if you want to but keep your eyes wide open to what it is - you’re in a FWB (friends with benefits) situation, at best, and that’s all it will ever really be. Accept that or get off your tush and put yourself back on the market for the guy you might have otherwise missed while you were wasting your efforts.

Another thing - don’t mix Meaningless-Sex-Guy with Current-Boyfriend-Guy. It’s oil and vinegar. You didn’t pick Meaningless-Sex-Guy for his charm, wit, or personal standards - if you did he’d occupy a higher status. No, you picked him precisely because he didn’t have any of the qualities that attract you to a guy; except for maybe one. Think about it. If he had the qualities you’re attracted to, he wouldn’t be Meaningless-Sex-Guy now would he? As for Current-Boyfriend-Guy, he’s the one that you actually are attracted to, and he’s the one you definitely do not want to be sleeping with until you’ve established exclusivity with one another - which, ideally, should never happen too fast. Believe it or not, but when I’m dating someone I’m not “involved” to that degree inside of the first three months. If you can hold out longer, and I recommend it, the end result will be that much better. The reason you don’t sleep with him until then? It’s simple.

You don’t sleep with him until then because if you do - you just doomed yourself to the Coolidge Effect with no established emotional bonds to counter it. If you don’t know what that is, in short it is an actual scientifically documented response that both men and women have when they are having long-term sex with the same partner. Learn what the body chemicals prolactin and oxytocin do. If you don’t have the emotions that come from a long and intense relationship of all the things that do NOT result in sexual intercourse - then you are not going to have the foundation that carries you through the long-term effects of prolactin. Oxytocin actually makes us have better orgasms too, ladies, so the more you have of it then the better the sex will be. Believe it or not, but the studies show the highest oxytocin levels belong to women in committed relationships who spend a lot of time being physically intimate without having sex.

So, when a guy is into you - you don’t have to wonder if he is. If you’re wondering then move on. Why do I say this? I say this because life is short, you are worth more than a guy who isn’t into you, and you will never find the right guy so long as you’re chasing the wrong guy.

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