stone savage

“If… you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”

- The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD

1 in 25 Americans (4%) are sociopaths. Wow, that’s an amazing statistic. That’s more people than there are anorexics - which is considered an epidemic at 3.43%. It’s 100 times the number of people diagnosed with colon cancer! It’s an astounding figure, and it means that if you know 100 people, at least 4 of them qualify as sociopaths and they are probably active members of your life - and I don’t mean the Ted Bundy or Charles Manson sorts of sociopaths in what I’m saying - I mean the sort who make it under the radar and live without the major extremes acts of violence or other such criminalities.

These people have no problem shattering the lives of others - either purposefully or out of thoughtless negligence. They do not think twice about it and they literally do not care that others have been significantly harmed by their actions. Some even take perverse pleasure in orchestrating events to such an outcome. But most simply live what an outsider would see as empty and shallow connections to a world that sits beyond the comprehension of the person with the sociopathic condition.

That’s why I wanted to write this entry - to share what I’ve learned, and to tell you how to recognize the condition and how to protect yourself from the unthinkable acts such people will perform upon you if you are unaware and without defense.

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I’m talking about those who live by observing and emulating the “acceptable” behaviors of others for the purpose of passing detection that they are not normal and are unable to feel much of anything intrinsically. These people pretend they are normal just well enough to get by with it most of the time but they never truly love (they merely possess or dominate) and they never understand what it means to have an intervening sense of obligation based on emotional attachments to people or things because they have no such emotional attachments to prevent them from harming others. They do what they want, whenever they want, without consideration to what their actions may impose upon others - and more often than not their victims endure the treatment while simultaneously feeling pity for the sociopath in question while the sociopath feels not the slightest ounce of guilt no matter how well they act the part.

I should know, I may very possibly have been dealing with one for the last few years. It was an amazing revelation to me when my therapist informed me that this person in my life might have this condition - and I immediately began researching. It’s an amazing thing to comprehend that those things you know not to say or do because it would harm another person are things that some people do not comprehend - and they say and do them and don’t care about the upheaval or harm they leave in their wake.

In my life I believe it is crucial to love others, to do no harm, and to treat others with kindness. I have lived by this set of standards for so long I can no longer remember when or why I first realized the importance of keeping the well-being of others as a priority. Therapists will argue that you must first get your own house in order before you can begin assisting others with their’s - but I tend to argue that no matter the state of my own house, if there is a need to help another I cannot simply abandon them to their own darkness when I could have helped them to see the light. Perhaps this is because I believe all things happen for a reason and in their proper course in time.

If someone presents themselves to me in need of help and I am able to help them - then I do so without reservation. IF I am harmed in the process then I ruminate upon the lesson, but I do not let it change who I am or prevent me from extending help to the next person who comes along.

And that is exactly the sort of person a sociopath likes best. So here is the best way to tell if you are dealing with a sociopath per Martha Stout’s book which I referenced in the starting quote of this entry:

1. The first rule involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience, and that these people do not often look like Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender. They look like us.

Like I said - they look, and some even behave, like the average every day person - but they never are.

2. In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on – educator, doctor, leader, animal-lover, humanist, parent – go with your instincts.

Whether you want to be or not, you are a constant observer of human behavior, and your unfiltered impressions, though alarming and seemingly outlandish, may well help you out if you will let them. Your best self understands, without being told, that impressive and moral-sounding labels do not bestow conscience on anyone who did not have it to begin with.

This was the hardest for me to learn - that my instincts were right and I was overriding them with a sense of moral judgment that it was wrong for me to abandon the person I cared for no matter how harmful the situation had become. This rule makes it clear that your instincts are not wrong in such cases.

3. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has.

Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.

Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.

This was my undoing. If I had read this book, or knew of such people, or even heard of these rules - I would have saved myself countless heartaches, tears, and emotionally difficult times. This exact rule explained enough to me about my situation to understand I had let myself become a victim to a ruthless and uncaring sociopath rather than an important part in the life of a loving and dear friend.

4. Question authority.
Once again – trust your own instincts and anxieties, especially those concerning people who claim that dominating others, violence, war, or some other violation of your conscience is the grand solution to some problem. Do this even when, or especially when, everyone around you has completely stopped questioning authority. Recite to yourself what Stanley Milgram taught us about obedience. (At least six out of ten people will blindly obey a present, official-looking authority to the bitter end.) The good news is that having social support makes people somewhat more likely to challenge authority. Encourage those around you to question, too.

Always question authority - too many people are willing to follow someone for no other reason than they believe that person is an authority, even when there is no evidence to support the idea.

5. Suspect flattery.
Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is extreme, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. It is the material of counterfeit charm, and nearly always involves an intent to manipulate. Manipulation through flattery is sometimes innocuous and sometimes sinister. Peek over your massaged ego and remember to suspect flattery. This “flattery rule” applies on an individual basis, and also at the level of groups and even whole nations. Throughout all of human history and to the present, the call to war has included the flattering claim that one’s own forces are about to accomplish a victory that will change the world for the better, a triumph that is morally laudable, justified by its humane outcome, unique in human endeavor, righteous, and worthy of enormous gratitude. Since we began to record the human story, all of our major wars have been framed in this way, on all sides of the conflict, and in all languages the adjective most often applied to the word war is the word holy. An argument can easily be made that humanity will have peace when nations of people are at last able to see through this masterful flattery.

Again, for me, the flattery that came my was intense and I fell for it. I believed my friend felt the way she felt, but I remember that it seemed strange how completely idealistic she seemed about who I was as a person, though at the time I had no way of knowing this was a danger sign.

6. If necessary, redefine your concept of respect.
Too often, we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect.

I have a spotted Bengal cat who was named Muscle Man by my daughter when she was a toddler, because even as a kitten he looked like a professional wrestler. Grown now, he is much larger than most other domestic cats. His formidable claws resemble those of his Asian leopard-cat ancestors, but by temperament, he is gentle and peace-loving. My neighbor has a little calico who visits. Evidently the calico’s predatory charisma is huge, and she is brilliant at directing the evil eye at other cats. Whenever she is within fifty feet, Muscle Man, all fifteen pounds of him to her seven, cringes and crouches in fear and feline deference.

Muscle Man is a splendid cat. He is warm and loving, and he is close to my heart. Nonetheless, I would like to believe that some of his reactions are more primitive than mine. I hope I do not mistake fear for respect, because to do so would be to ensure my own victimization. Let us use our big human brains to overpower our animal tendency to bow to predators, so we can disentangle the reflexive confusion of anxiety and awe. In a perfect world, human respect would be an automatic reaction only to those who are strong, kind, and morally courageous. The person who profits from frightening you is not likely to be any of these.

The resolve to keep respect separate from fear is even more crucial for groups and nations. The politician, small or lofty, who menaces the people with frequent reminders of the possibility of crime, violence, or terrorism, and who then uses their magnified fear to gain allegiance is more likely to be a successful con artist than a legitimate leader. This too has been true throughout human history.

7. Do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopath’s tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him. In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.

Now this was an interesting rule - because flirting and fun game playing is something I enjoy with common friends. The problem is this is something sociopaths use to their advantage to hook their victims - by creating intrigue - which is exactly what happened to me. I stopped playing the game because I realized something was different, but my friend continued and I didn’t know it was still a game for her until the anguish began to be the foremost emotion from our interactions.

8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication.
Psychologists do not usually like to recommend avoidance, but in this case, I make a very deliberate exception. The only truly effective method for dealing with a sociopath you have identified is to disallow him or her from your life altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous. Begin this exclusion of them in the context of your own relationships and social life. You will not hurt anyone’s feelings. Strange as it seems, and though they may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings to hurt.
You may never be able to make your family and friends understand why you are avoiding a particular individual. Sociopathy is surprisingly difficult to see, and harder to explain. Avoid hi/her anyway.

If total avoidance is impossible, make plans to come as close as you can to the goal of total avoidance.

This is a difficult one for me as I am not built in a way that can allow me to just cut someone out of my life and be okay with it. I believe all people deserve happiness, bliss, and friendships. To deny my friend of that is to abandon her to the darkness of her world - and I am unsure as to whether the level of self-sacrifice to remain her friend is appropriate or not. All I know is I have set many new distinct boundaries and have become far more harsh in the way I explain things to her. I have yet to cut ties and I do not know if I ever will - but I have left it as an option on the table.

9. Question your tendency to pity too easily.
Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is another socially valuable response, and should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.

Related to this – I recommend that you severely challenge your need to be polite in absolutely all situations. For normal adults in our culture, being what we think of as “civilized” is like a reflex, and often we find ourselves being automatically decorous even when someone has enraged us, repeatedly lied to us, or figuratively stabbed us in the back. Sociopaths take huge advantage of this automatic courtesy in exploitive situations.

Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and calmly to the point.

This is what I’m learning to do - to be absolutely calm, clear, and pointed in my remarks. There is no sugar coating and no anger or attempts to be harsh or vengeful. It is simply a serious of factual statements with very little room for her to interject emotional appeals. So far it’s working well.

10. Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.
Second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who possess conscience. If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut your losses.

At some point, most of us need to learn the important if disappointing life lesson that, no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the behavior– let alone the character structures– of other people. Learn this fact of human life, and avoid the irony of getting caught up in the same ambition he has– to control.

If you do not desire control, but instead want to help people, then help only those who truly want to be helped. I think you will find this does not include the person who has no conscience.

The sociopath’s behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.

This is the hardest thing I have accepting. Is anyone truly unredeemable? Don’t we all deserve the love and kindness of others no matter what? How can I, as a person of spirituality, determine that any person is someone who deserves something other than kindness?

11. Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character.

“Please don’t tell,” often spoken tearfully and with great gnashing of teeth, is the trademark plea of thieves, child abusers– and sociopaths. Do not listen to this siren-song. Other people deserve to be warned more than sociopaths deserve to have you keep their secrets.

If someone without conscience insists that you “owe” him or her, recall what you are about to read here– that “You owe me” has been the standard line of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite literally, and is still so. It is what Rasputin told the Empress of Russia. It is what Hannah’s father implied to her, after her eye-opening conversation with him at the prison.

We tend to experience “You owe me” as a compelling claim, but it is simply not true. Do not listen. Also, ignore the one that goes, “You are just like me.” You are not.

This one is a struggle too… especially when I can see the victimization of another being setup for the final blow. What do I do? Step in and warn the person who wont’ believe me anyway? Or do I hold my counsel and become a silently complicit person in the cruelty?

12. Defend your psyche.
Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience. Most human beings are able to love.

This I believe, but I do not believe those who cannot are somehow less human than those who can.

13. Living well is the best revenge.

I absolutely could not agree more. The longer I have had to consider the truth of the situation, the easier it has become to lock away the negative emotions and dashed hopes and to live well because of the lessons learned.

These rules came from the book I mentioned and were published on this page right here, but I would encourage everyone reading this entry to actually go out and buy this book - it will amaze you and astound you at how much you never knew you didn’t know about the sociopath you probably know.

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